Musing No. 17 - Coffee & d-Con

To preface this post - my night was held together by many MANY cups of this:

So around 1 AM my beautiful 37-week prego wife and I were sitting on our bed, watching various episodes of How I Met Your Mother that I have saved on my Mac. We've got it hooked up to our nice big tv, which is across the room, but I don't mind getting up to switch every episode because....well let's face it, it's not like I've yet achieved the perfect weight-class.

I know I already did a preface for this particular musing, but I think I'll add another. While I love living out in the more wildlife area of the southern Grand Rapids area - me and my wife really are city folk. By this point you are probably thinking, "How the hell are any of these factors related?" Well fear not, because I genuinely believe that I can somewhat bring this jumble of mish-moshed thoughts together....or if I fail, I hope I at least fail hilariously.

A.D.D. is awesome - back to my story. So one of the episodes of HIMYM ends and I get up to go change the episode. As I was walking over to the computer, the floor in front of me seemed to gain a momentary moving ink blotch. I stop in my tracks and stare for slightly too long. My wife, noticing my momentary lapse of concentration asks me what I was staring at. My first thought: "Damn...I really was looking forward to sleeping tonight." She asks me again, "Hun, what's wrong?" Sweat starts to bead slightly on my forward as I think to myself: "Play this cool and you still might be able to." "Uh...yeah hun," I say aloud, attempting to collect my thoughts, "I think I might have seen a mouse." "F*****ck. Nailed it."

Well clearly she wasn't going to go to sleep until I caught the mouse. Catch the mouse? Now - let's get this out in the open. Jack Hannah, I'm not. Crocodile Dundee, I'm not. I've never even won a game of Mousetrap. I'm sure there's a way to catch a mouse on the spot - but I have no clue what it is.

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong.

I lumber grudgingly over to the spot where I saw the mouse run, and pray to God to I just had a momentary contact malfunction. I start pulling things out of the way and the damn thing runs over my foot, through my legs and under the bed where my wife is now quite unhappily sitting. I also may have pooped myself. (What?! I told you I'm city folk!)

I then put on shoes and start squeamishly removing food from the end table next to the bed, as my wife had stockpiled a good amount of snacky things (it's a wonder why the mouse picked our room) as well as removing items from under the bed. I get a good amount of this done and still see no mouse. I quickly decided it was time for reinforcements. I go awaken my brother-in-law's basset hound upstairs and lure him into the bedroom. I tell him to go under the bed. He sticks his head under and then plops/lays down. Sooo I sigh and start pulling more things out.

Now we have our bed up on platforms for extra storage, but since there was no platform for the middle - we put a concrete cinder block. Those of you suspense novel connoisseurs are no-doubt figuring out what I am leading to. There was a very comfy looking mouse nest built inside one of the two sides of the cinder block. Fantastic. Experience has taught me that you can't see the little buggers inside their nest, after a rather unfortunate incident where I picked up what appeared to be a harmless a ball of white fuzz in the garage of a previous house and a mouse jumped at my face. I go and grab a mop and poke the handle into the nest expecting the worst. Nothing. I pull the nest out. Nothing. Not relief but lack of desire for having to go in farther slaps me in the face.

Evil lives here...

I concluded that I will be needing something stronger to fight this evil. I inform my wife that she should and the dogs probably hit up the couch in the living room for the night, since she informed me she wouldn't be able to sleep in the bed til I get the mouse - then I head off for the store!

Arriving to the local 24hour grocery store, (10 to 15 minutes away) I quickly locate the rodent annihilation aisle, and I proceed to grab - oooh about 20 bucks worth of d-Con items. I walk up to the front, proud that I will be attacking this unwanted visitor and reclaim my testicles from the 2 to 3 inch ball of black fur that stole them from me. I proceed to check out, only to find that my wallet is not located in my back pocket. "Damn," I think to myself, "Little bugger stole that too. He is good!" I sheepishly ask the unpleasant register laborer if he would hold onto my goods, so that I may return to pick them up swiftly. Annoyed he yells to his manager that he is going to the restroom. I take that as a yes.

Jumping back into my vehicle I see that I am bumping the bottom of my gas tank. How convenient. At around 2 AM, many many gas stations are open in my area - and are quite coincidentally very open to giving their precious commodity away to wallet-less patrons. I pray to baby Jesus that I can make it home and not make this a more embarrassing story than it already is. I take off out of the parking lot and down the road.

Baby Jesus was not in the mood to be kind. A stranger with an awfully coincidentally full portable gas tank was, though, so I will now be saying all future prayers to 'Beat-up Chevy-driving Hobo-looking, Possibly-homosexually-pedobeard man.' What can I say? The gays love me.

SOOO back on the road! I get home, grab my wallet, make a detour to a gas station so I don't have to give more than a smile to the next strangely flirty good Samaritan and head back to the store. I arrive to see that all my items have been returned to the back of the store where I found them (FANTASTIC) and fly speed racer style through the aisles once again. Checking out and then hopping in the car I stop for not one, but 2 cups of coffee at McDonalds and then return home.

Little bastard won't know what hit him.

As I now sit here, on my couch, waiting for mickey to step in a sticky trap, get severed in a cheese clamp or eat a lethal dose of mouse poison I ask myself, "More Coffee?"

End of Musing No. 17

Musing No. 16 - I'm Going To Have A Little Terror

So if there are people that haven't heard yet, I'm going to be a daddy. Not sure what the sex is yet, but if I had to guess, I would say the sex is Awesome.

Now some of you may care, but most of you probably don't and are now waiting for me to make a funny antidote or inspirational reflection upon how this may relate to you in any way.

Well you won't get that here, that's for blogs that are actually good and post more than twice an f-in year. Yeah yeah, I'll work on that last part. I just wanted to state that soon I will release my spawn upon the world and the terror that hopefully will ensue.

They say pictures make blogs more interesting.

End of Musing No. 16

Musing No. 15 - The Endgame

Stress will always be one of two things - the best motivation or the final breaking point. But as anyone who has been through football hell week, army boot camp or alcohol/drug detox can tell you - the best motivation & the final breaking point are often one and the same.

Stress for me is where everything I have learned and already know comes out the strongest. When the shit hits the fan (seriously, who keeps throwing shit at fans?) my instincts and knowledge come out in full force. It's when I don't know all that I need to know to finish the job that I stress out and borderline break down...right up until I still finish and surprise myself.

Unfortunately I am currently working on a project at my day job of marketer/web designer/graphics designer where the latter seems to be the case. I have faced many different situations where it forces me to grow and I end up making something that I never knew I could make, and a damn good finished product at the same time. I'm sure this will be the case this time as well, but I'm hardcore stressing it all the same.

Way too much coffee, way too many hours, and more than a little late-night television rolling on in the background but I get the job done. I constantly remind myself that I overwork now so I can enjoy later, where as a good portion of my friends work a little (9 to 5) then enjoy a little in the moment - and that's what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. They will never be living life to the fullest as it is meant to be lived, because they will be at the dead end jobs probably the rest of their lives and only actually living in the few night and sometimes weekend hours, coming up to breath with the meager vacation days allotted by the boss in the big corner office.

The point of this post is to encourage the dream chasers out there in the plight of your cause. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and while you may be moving slower than your counterparts are traveling in life's tunnel, you'll emerge from it driving in a Porsche 911 GT3 RS (or whatever german/italian sports car you prefer).


And if you aren't working for yourself - I would like to remind you the cold hard fact that so many GM/Chrysler/Union employees are learning now - retirement at 60 isn't guaranteed. If you are sitting on a dream - shame on you. But don't worry - the dream-chasers will always need employees to work their dreams for them.

End of Musing No. 15

Musing No. 14 - My Observations

So it's been awhile since I've posted. The combination of my businesses, - my marketing company, record label, and real estate solutions company; and the fact that most of my thoughts recently seem to be able to fit into 140 characters for a twitter/facebook status update - the blog has not been chuggin.

But where I've not been writing much, I have been observing just as actively - likely more actively than normal. I would like to share some of my observations with the world now. (Yes. The whole world reads my blog. What of it?)

OBSERVATION 1: LINDSAY LOHAN IS STILL DUMB.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan has continued the proud tradition of celebrities who repeatedly break the law and then wonder why they get in trouble for it. But hey, she got like a month cut off her 'a little longer than a month sentence' so I guess she really didn't get into trouble for it. And she's already gay, so getting violated by other women won't really be that traumatic either. Come to think of it, that doesn't really sound like a whole lot of trouble when you really play it out...I'm thinking I might need a new headline....

*EDIT* OBSERVATION 1: LINDSAY LOHAN DID ONE OR TWO DUMB MOVIES WHEN SHE WASN'T AN UGLY-ASS STICK, SO SHE WILL NEVER GET INTO ACTUAL TROUBLE. EVER.

That sounds about right.

OBSERVATION 2: MEL GIBSON IS STILL AWESOME.

Yes, you read that right. Still Awesome. Now if some of the allegations are true, he's also guilty of a few crimes, but that never stopped other celebrities from being loved. And I don't hold the fact that he at least tried to follow God and all that against him like the media seems to want to. That doesn't seem to make sense to me - 'Because you tried to be good and didn't succeed you are much worse than all the people who just try to be bad and succeed.' lol. The guy has battled alcoholism, he's bipolar and now he's apparently crazy. Just chalk another point up to 'Awesome' in my book.

Also making me dislike him less and hate the woman more is the week and half of daily audio tid-bit releases. Nothing says conniving bitch more than a woman realizing she has no legal right to his money so she just tries to tank him in a slow tortured career suicide. When I have more money I'm hiring Mel to join my posse and just curse people out. If you have listened to the tapes at all, you have to admit - he is good at insults, like really really good.

OBSERVATION 3: THE WHITE HOUSE ONCE HAD SMART PEOPLE IN IT

Lol, Yes yes, my political rants are not appreciated - dually noted. I'm assuming this was the cause of 3 people blocking me on twitter - but out of my 9000+ twitter followers, 3 seems like an insignificant number. And now that I've stunned you with my math skills:

I have no personal issue with Obama or anyone else in the White House, but they really seem dense at the moment. If we wanted someone to pursue their own agenda and not deal with the actual problems of the country, well then we wouldn't have needed 'Change' now, would we?

The combination of a Healthcare Bill that only taxed people who didn't buy Healthcare, a Stimulus Bill that didn't stimulate, The Cardcheck Bill that is trying to make a majority of the businesses Unionized so we can have nationwide the joy that Detroit has had with the Auto Unions, and Cap & Trade that taxes companies that pollute too much, (because we need more taxes on companies in America right now) It appears we are in the middle of a war on American Wallets. "No-good wallets, always planning schemes behind our backs."

OBSERVATION 4: PEOPLE ALL HATE WHAT THEY WANT TO BECOME.

I laugh when I hear about people talking about the 'filthy rich' people on wall street, big firm execs, big oil or whatever else. The reason I laugh is because if 99% of the people who complain about these people were offered the same position for the same pay they would almost all take it. I heard someone call into a show to complain. Here is what I heard, which made me so happy:

Host: "Hello you're on the ______ show. What's on your mind?"

Caller: "I'm so pissed off at the big CEO's of big oil and big business and Wall Street. Obama needs to take them all out and give the money to the people they have stole from! It's not fair that they make that kind of money when the rest of us suffer!"

Host: "Now real quick, I just want to ask - how much would you like to make if you could?"

Caller: "I would love to make 100 grand a year, like those greedy Wall Street folks make."

Host: "That sounds like a great salary, so what are you doing to make that kind of money? What have you done in preparation? Have you gone through 8 years of schooling, climbed your way up the corporate ladder over 30 or 40 years? Have you spend nights away from your family, sleeping in a hotel bed by yourself more nights than you get to sleep in your own bed with your wife?

Caller: "...."

Host: "I didn't think so. Call me back when you've done all that, and then we'll see what your point of view is.

I want to develop a TV disclaimer device, that puts a nice disclaimer on all speeches on TV. Here are some examples of what you will hear once I develop this device. Obama, in a big political speech, "And I Will Make Sure that the Rich Fat Cats on Wall Street (whose money I glad took to fund my campaign) Don't Steal From Americans Anymore! (and by steal, I mean find ways to make money in an economy that I'm trying to kill.)"

This an example of what would be heard. Of course it wouldn't be popular by any means, because people love to have an enemy other than themselves and love not being held accountable for their own mistakes. Furthermore, most of these people who are rich worked long and hard to get to where they are, and if most people put in the same amount of time and effort would also end up in the same great positions. But it is easier to not do anything and just complain - and easier has become the American way apparently.

That is a few of my observations in the past few months, and I'm sure I'll share more.

End of Musing No. 14

Musing No. 13 - Celebrities and the Nazi Card

Going Green is really chic right now. It's the hip thing to do. And while I love my planet and I have no qualm with being economically responsible, many people - many famous people are just taking this too far.

Paul McCartney, when you want an old woman who sounds like a Beatle.

A good example would be Paul McCartney, talking the other day at a press conference with President Obama. Here's what he said, when referring to the oil spill:

"Sadly we need disasters like this to show people. Some people don't believe in climate warming - like those who don't believe there was a Holocaust."

(http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3027440/Exclusive-Paul-McCartney-chat.html)

Now I'd like to address the first part, first. I'm not saying the oil spill isn't bad, I think it's terrible and I don't like seeing the pictures of baking pelicans anymore than anyone else. But come on Paul, the oil spill is because of global warming? What, did global warming bake the brains of the people who rushed the job and didn't do all the necessary procedures to stop a disaster beforehand? It really bums me out when great musicians are mentally retarded.

Look! It's Falling From The Sky! Damn Global Warming!

But the second part, while not as stupid is still equally as ignorant. There is clear proof that the Holocaust existed. There is not clear proof that global warming exists. That is why there are still a large number of scientists who do not believe it exists. There can be compelling examples that both sides can bring to the table - but the fact of the matter is - it's not proven, and as time goes on it's getting less and less clear.

But in all honesty, the worst part of the quote was that he pulled the 'Nazi Card'. I am sooo tired of all sides pulling the damn Nazi card. Stop equating everyone that does not believe in your views to Nazis or relating it to the holocaust or anything Hitler, Third Reich, or little upper-lip mustache related. If you have at least something remotely correlating or can at least draw a reasonable resemblance, well then you would at least not be pulling it out of thin air, although you would still be standing on thin ice.

Clearly this is the right way to go.

Unfortunately for our environment, most eco-friendly spokespeople end up looking like retarded idiots who want you to pay an addition 5 bucks for that lemon because it's organic, want to fine you 50 bucks because you don't recycle all the paper that goes through your house and don't understand why someone with 5 kids can't fit into a honda civic instead of their big 'evil' SUV.

As mandated by FEMA this is Jon & Kate Gosselin's new vehicle.

You're making people hate anything that sounds like it might be eco-friendly, because they associate it with you. So cut it out or I'm going to wipe my ass with your curtains to save toilet paper.

End of Musing No. 13

Smart Idea #516 - This One Hurt Me, lol.

Musing No. 12 - The Way To Win The Uphill Battle

Turning positive into negative. The age old quest of mankind's history. How do you take crap and turn into lemonade? Well you don't. Crap would make terrible lemonade. You use the crap to rise above.

Seeing the positive, through the negative.

Don't bother with the fact that all our politicians seem to hate people who actually make something of themselves. That will be wore as a badge of courage once you get there. So you've swam through the river of monkey feces, what now? There appeared from back there to be a nice field of flowers back there from down this yellow brick road, but now I am seeing that I am only getting drudged down and quite wore out and sleepy from this march.

What Life Looked Like from Afar...

The key to success is not quitting. Look through-out your own life. You see quitters everywhere - working at McDonalds, gas stations, people who have been working the same dead-end job at a mall clothing shop or at customer service center for years and always talk of going up - but never do. Here's a nugget - Your ambition can take you farther than your actual talent can. If you have the drive to succeed, you will zoom past many people who have the talent to succeed but aren't trying. That's just a fact of life.

What Life Ended Up Being - An Uphill Battle

Look at the story of Donald Trump. Now, many people may not like Trump, because he's 'too rich' or because he's 'too arrogant' but you have to take a different approach to rich people like him. Someday you aim to be successful, right? So why attack the people who have achieved what you are trying to? Sure, there are many rich people who inherited and just waste it and leach off of their parents like Nicole Richie or others like her. But people like Donald Trump, Warren Buffet and Robert Kiyosaki pulled themselves up from the ground - and that's what you are aiming to do. Don't put them down - learn from them.

If he can't be successful, no one can.

So back to my point. Look at the story of Donald Trump. Trump is a man who see's what he wants and goes after it. Trump is a man who has been up and down many times. He is a man who has declared bankruptcy more than once in his lifetime, has seen his share of struggles and yet each time he falls - he flies even higher. So how does he do it? Here's a quote from Trump that sums it all up: "I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big."

You have to think to the next step. There are two great advantages for doing this:

First, Thinking big and thinking beyond your current step gives you something to look forward to. Yes yes, this step may suck. Working up from the bottom always does. But when you get past this step - look at what you have to look forward to. Look at what you have coming up next. Thinking big shows you more of the big picture when the small details depress you to no end. And that leads us to point number 2.

Second, Thinking big let's you picture where your current step falls in the overall scheme of things and helps you align it with your overall goals. It is easy to get so focused on the current step that you forget about the provisions for the next steps. Don't burn your bridges until you know you won't need them! Thinking big will allow you to see the big picture and put your current locale into an overall plan. Planning ahead is also a great way to not rush the steps - as each step is important, and since you are on the bottom - you are building your future's foundation. Remember that when trying to jump ahead - you may fly high and far, but if you don't build these foundations first, your future will fall.

Looks pretty, don't it? Don't breath to hard...

Though this time may suck and you may be feeling down - develop a plan and realize that this is only a step in that plan. Every good plan has multiple steps, and every step brings you closer to success.

End of Musing No. 12

Musing No. 11 - Option 3 through Number 2

Remember when this world was your berry for the picking? Remember when the world was your oyster, with pearls begging to be plundered? If you've lived long enough, chances are that your views of the world have changed since those innocent beginnings. Reality is a unwelcome arrival - much like waking from a restful sleep to a gun barrel in your face can ruin your morning and alter the liquid content of your bed sheets and undergarments. Regardless, reality is something we all must face at one time or another.

Haha, suckers - my sheets are already yellow.

For the pessimists this is a simple feat to accomplish. It doesn't really change things for them, they just now have confirmation of their suspicions that the world sucks, and can't get too much more depressed than they already are. Realists take it in stride, as they already knew as much so they've had time to deal with it before the rest of us. Surprisingly the optimists many times take it the hardest, and often join the ranks of the pessimists - as much of their ability to fly rode on the bubble that just burst.

Isn't that a weird picture? I forgot why it was relevant now...

I would say that I probably fall into the Realist category, as I just see a glass and don't really care if it's half empty or half full as long as there's still something left in it for me to drink. (Ok so I'm a selfish realist...no one's perfect)

But what do you do after reality hits? Your golden dreams and plans are suddenly quite a bit harder than you had originally anticipated. The yellow brick road is suddenly piled with monkey feces and you don't remember that part from the book. (Flying monkeys have a great deal more bowel movements than pigeons)

My photoshopping resume just hit a low-point.

Well, you have three options:

Option 1 - Stop there, and find solace in the fact that you are on the yellow brick road, (even though you are no longer moving on it). Yellow is really a nice color, let's stare at it awhile.

Option 2 - Try to find a way around it. Sure that sign says 'Evil Talking Trees' followed by 'Witch's Castle' but I'm sure I can find a short cut. And I'll have the trees to have nice conversations with along the way.

Option 3 - Jump into the monkey shit. Anything can be swam through - just ask Andy Dufresne.

Get busy livin, or get busy dyin.

If you chose option 3, Congratulations - you're not stupid and you have a wonderful musky aroma you should remember to wash off once you reach the Emerald City. If you chose option 1 or 2 - enjoy working for Option 3'ers.

Yes you will have to go through obstacles to get to your dream. If it was easy everyone would have done it and it wouldn't be something worth dreaming about. And yes - It sucks. It sucks real bad. You can't see what's ahead, you're trying not to breath in and you promise God never to look down upon a hobo who smells funny again if he can please send Moses down to perform a Brown Sea encore. But you know it must be done.

Look what you did now, you damn dirty apes...

Just ask any man who's ever made anything of himself, and he will tell you that Armani suits feel just as good stained brown and that a dry-cleaning bill is much more rewarding than a welfare check. If you ever plan on getting ahead in life, plan on smelling like crap for awhile - but remember that it's only for a season. This too, shall pass.

End of Musing No. 11

Smart Idea #485 - We're Really On A Roll Here....

Musing No. 8 - It May Become An Epidemic

I've been reminded lately of who I am.

What exactly do I mean?

You have to know who you are. And you have to know it, not base it on anything else. You can't base it on people that you think are your friends. You can't base it on popular opinion. It's not a puffed-up pride, that you think you are always right about everything. But you are the only one who can truly be right about who you are.

If you don't know who you are, your perception of your self image will change with every blowing of the wind. If you don't know who you are - friends, surroundings, hard times - anything and everything will change who you are. I am sad to say, I have a few friends that this describes perfectly. They change every time they feel bad, they change every time they hang around one friend for any particular amount of time, they change every time they have turmoil in their life. They are just a leaf, blown by the wind.

Now, I am a religion-hating God lover, and I say this because by definition I am a christian, but I share very little traits with most christians I know - so I like to avoid the label. Most Christian's self image is very loose, as it is usually based off of a moral code presented by a minister. The problem with this scenario is that, instead of God being a foundation in their life and self-worth, that minister becomes the mirror holder. And when that minister says something that is not of God, well they have already given that minister their mirror - not God, so they follow where the minister takes the mirror, in whichever way they choose to twist or distort it. At this point - the minister is setting their self-worth, and has complete control of them.

I'm gonna eat you.

Don't get me wrong, this is done with more than just minsters. Many people's sheeplike following of the Obama movement is incredibly similar. Or people's following of rockstars, movie stars - you name it. When you base yourself on what someone else says, you no longer exist - you have become a mannequin.

Self worth is a big problem in today's world. And it affects all walks of life. From the severe breakdowns in the public limelight - like those of Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan - to the big business man who gets hurt every time someone attacks him for making the money he earned at his job - to the everyday man who so desperately wants people to like him - to the girl who buys magazines of what she is told are beautiful women, and develops eating disorders or cutting herself to cope. If you don't have your own self-worth, you will be miserable.

Now to many, this sounds prideful. "Your ego is so huge, that you don't care what anyone says about you. You don't even care when others try to correct you." This has been said to me. And you know what? Aside from the ego part, that's partly true. I am who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, I accept who I am, and I know very well that I have flaws. But I also know that the moment I let someone else's opinion shape me, that is the moment I have lost myself. That is the moment I cease to be relevant to anyone.

Yay! Now I'm teachable!

There is a difference between being teachable, and being a ball of mush. I don't claim to know everything about anything. I know that there is plenty that I don't know. But one thing I do know - I know who I am. You can teach me a million things about a million things - but I promise you, you don't know more about me than I do.

My opinions, however mean or evil some people may think they are, are at the end of the day - actually MY opinions. They did not spout from some newspaper, tv show or comedian. They did not spur from what someone else told me I should think, they are what I formed myself. Your own opinions are worth more than a thousand repeater's opinions. Your actual opinions, what your thinking mind came up with yourself, are more valuable than every robot's opinions in the world.

Hey!

People are so tied up in wanting to be liked, that they lose who they are. They taylor their opinions to their audience. They craft their words to please people. And they are faker than Milli Vannelli's 'live' performances. And because of this - their opinions are worthless.

If you are fake or people pleasing - I do not respect you one iota. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Fake answers in the hope of 'peace' will get you nowhere with me. I would much more appreciate a severely opposing viewpoint - but one that you actually hold and came to yourself, than a fake all-out agreement.

I would like to encourage all the rebels out there that dare to have their own thought every once in awhile - that you are heading in the right direction. You need to figure out who you are, for yourself, and I promise you, your life will be so much happier than anything you have ever felt before.

I've been reminded lately of who I am. It may become an epidemic.

End of Musing No. 8

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Musing No. 7 - This Year I Promise

Yes yes, it's that time again, that time when the old year ends and and the new year doesn't. It's the time when people realize that they didn't do anything they said they would do the last 5 New Years, and they are sure this is the year they are going to do it.

Captain Insano vowed to Show No Mercy...but showed mercy anyway.

Well...actually it's past that time of year. I read that most people forget their resolutions for the new year by about the end of the second week of the year, so I figured I would not make a resolution until around that time - thus outlasting all the slackers out there. This also achieves the goal of being a trend-setter, as I am now probably the only person talking about resolutions, and I have waited long enough that I am not 'still' talking about it, I am now talking about it 'again' - which I think we would all agree is much different.

BEGIN

This Year I Promise to become a professional wrestler, but so as to avoid the ho-hum of *yawn* regular wrestling, I will only be wrestling little old ladies & midgets and/or dwarfs. I am painfully aware that many midgets and dwarfs are surprisingly strong, but I believe this would provide the highest comedic value while still somewhat solidifying me as a badass. So if your grandma is bored, or if the guy who played the little dude in the R2-D2 outfit is still alive - tell them to call me - I've got an ass-whooping waiting for them.

And you were thinking "How could I possibly improve upon the A-Team?"

*Edit - After watching a hilarious youtube video, I think it would be hilarious if the midgets and/or dwarfs were wearing no pants while we wrestled.*

*Edit2 - After thinking about it, that sounds superhero gay. Scratch that idea - keep your pants on, little people.*

*Edit3 - And don't you get any ideas either - little old ladies. You keep all the clothes on, and put on more still. That loose, dangly, wrinkly skin is an unfair advantage when wrestling, as it is proven to be a choking hazard.*

This Year I Promise to try to get a Hoveround chair, because they look so damn cool - and good news - if my medicare doesn't cover it they will! Since I don't have medicare, I'm pretty sure my non-existent medicare won't cover it - so I'm golden! What? You doubt how cool that would be? You ever go into the grocery store and drive around in one of those old-folks chairs until security stops you and kicks you out of the store? Wasn't that awesome?! Now, imagine that you could do that - only everywhere, and all the time! Yeah, that kind of awesomeness can only be found with a Hoveround!

For more proof of how badass this would be, check the vid.

This Year I Promise to send in pictures of myself to TMZ until they put me on their show. This is the new badge of honor, and a true sign that you have made it. I am prepared to show my breasts.

Who is this guy, and why do I suddenly care about his cold-sore?

This Year I Promise to buy a bridge in New York City. I found a guy who says he can get me a great deal on one, near Brooklyn apparently. I've been told it's impossible to do, but that just gives me more motivation to prove them wrong. Whenever anyone tells you something can't be done - you kill yourself trying to accomplish it. I mean, look, people told Keanu Reeves that he would never be able to act with emotion - well, he showed them wrong! People told the president that he couldn't fix the economy, and he showed them wrong! People told Ellen Degeneres that she was funny, and she showed them wrong! How many bridges are near brooklyn....

The new Anti-Suspension Bridge.

This Year I Promise to run a marathon while wearing Heelys. To pre-empt the emails I will undoubtedly get that this is 'super easy', I will take 6 tylenol pm right before I run/heel this marathon and see if I can make it to the end. I am also prepared to show my breasts here.

An Epic Fail isn't really a Fail at all. :-)

And To End It....

This Year I Promise to demand the timeslot of whatever job Conan O'Brien lands at next. To kick him in the balls even further, I will promise him the job and give it to him, then demand it back. Hehehe. I feel this would be hilariously funny, and while many of you love Conan, I have no doubt you are still tickled at how funny, yet tragic this would be - and the tragicness would only really add to the funny. So help me, I will take Coco's shift at K-Mart if that's where he ends up, and the whole while, his self-deprecating humor will create good times had by all!

*Sigh* "Fine, kick me in balls...What else can you do to me?"

Happy New Year Everyone!

End of Musing No. 7

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Musing No. 4 - I Don't Want to Do What I Don't Want to Do

This should be pretty easy to understand. But many people still don't get this concept when it applies to someone else and not themselves. If I don't want to do something, stop trying to get me to do something.

Not really related, just thought it was neat.

This covers a wide spectrum of different things. For instance:

- I don't want to recycle stuff. If it was easier, sure I'd do it - just have another tub that I lug out like garbage. I could deal with that. But you want me to pay? For something I don't want to do in the first place? If there is something that I'm already leaning in the opposite direction, and you guilt me into doing it, then after I'm like "Fine fine, I'll do it, where do I put it?" then you tell me I need to pay you 10 dollars a month to do the thing I didn't want to do in the first place? Get out. No. Not doing it.

Except this. This is amusing.

- I don't want to join every stupid facebook group you send me. I do not want to be a fan of 'Waking up in the middle of the night to pee.' That's stupid. Cut that shit out. Seriously. From now on, unless it's a company of some kind, or something that I can hold in my hand - stop sending me dumb invites. I don't want to become a fan of 'Good Will' or 'Love' or 'Spinning in circles like a little fairy till you fall down giggling.' No more of that shit, or I will become a fan of 'Pummeling my facebook friends into the ground.'

459 Fans? Really? F*ckin idiots.

- I won't stop eating things that will 'kill me.' As a matter of fact, no more news about how a new food is killing me. This week it will be bananas are killing me and next week you'll tell me it's the best thing for me. If something will really kill me, I guess you can tell me, but only after you're absolutely sure. Like arsenic. If you are as sure that something is bad for me as you are sure that arsenic is bad for me, then you are allowed to tell me. Don't tell me that coffee is going to kill me, I know plenty of dirt old people who started drinking coffee at 6 and at 86 can race me. You're full of crap and it's coming out your ears. While I'm at it, why don't I just give you a list of things that I won't be stoping, to save you time:

-- I won't be giving up red meat. Tofu tastes like human excrement.
-- I won't be giving up coffee or alcohol. These are staples of a good life. Yes that's right.
-- I won't be giving up fatty foods such as 3 AM Burger King burgers. I already know it's bad for me, doesn't matter if you graft a friggin health warning into the bun.
-- Until you can come up with something that doesn't taste like crap to replace it, I won't be giving up sugar. Splenda, Sacrin, Sucralose or Nutrasweet all taste worse than vomit.
-- Any and all things I come up with later are also on this list - this is the spot I am reserving for them.

Mmmm, Burger.

- I won't stop being politically incorrect. Frankly I don't have the time or desire to check every time something is suddenly considered as such. I will continue to call things I don't like gay - if it makes you feel better, feel free to call things you don't like 'straight'. I know you being gay and all makes you all emotional, but the rules should stand if I'm not offended when the shoe is on the other foot, then neither should you be. I will continue to say Merry Christmas because that's the name of the damn holiday - don't like it? Don't celebrate it. I will continue to have a Christmas Tree because I don't stop doing things just because others don't do them. I'm pretty sure you haven't stopped praying to Allah just because I don't pray to him.

*Sigh* shakes head...

- And finally: I won't switch to Biggby coffee from Starbucks Coffee. No matter how much better you tell me Biggby is, I have tastebuds, I know you're lying. If you want to buy me Biggby, that's fine I will drink it - at the price of free it can taste like crap....otherwise known as Biggby coffee - and I will still drink it. But if I am buying coffee, I am buying Starbucks. All this crap about it's way cheaper - have you ever actually purchased anything at Starbucks people? A regular cup of coffee at Starbucks is like 20 cents more than the gas station charges, and it's about the same price that Biggby charges. Biggby mixed coffees are on average 20 cents less, and yet they take about a dollars worth of taste quality out. Interesting. I'm willing to pay 20 cents more for coffee that wasn't poured through a jock strap. Some people apparently are not.

I see nothing wrong with this, lol.

Point is: I don't do, what I don't want to do. And you shouldn't either.

End of Musing No. 4

Musing No. 3 - Enough with the Politics in the Music

So I am more than a little annoyed by political music. Both sides. Seriously. Now I lean more to the right than to the left, but whether it be some country hack writing a McCain song, or Green Day or Smashing Pumpkins making anti-bush songs, or Lynrd Skynrd writing anti-healthcare songs - it ruins the listening experience for me.

I want you to stop making political music.

You have political views. I get it. You are very excited about those feelings. I get it. But don't write a stupid song about your political beliefs. That's dumb. Political debate is not art. Despite what is currently being considered art by people today - the 'Obama Hope' posters is just creative advertisement - much like this:

Really captures the teenage angst...

One reason not to do it is it makes your music dated very quickly. Do you think people care about Green Day's 'American Idiot' anymore? Once Bush was out of office, it doesn't matter anymore! There are songs that are written for and against Reagan, Kennedy, and even Clinton - by some pretty famous bands in the past. But do you know of these songs? The answer is probably not. Why is that? Because they became quickly irrelevant, and therefore faded away. Do you care about what someone's political views of Kennedy or Reagan was however many years ago? Of course you don't, it has no bearing on your life as of right now, and the music public has a very small attention span for things that aren't relevant to them - right now.

I believe this is the real 'American Idiot' hahaha...ok my puns suck.

I don't care if people hold personal political views, I would actually rather they did. I don't even care the position, if they pay attention to politics that means that they care about things outside of their own little realm. I don't even care if they give interviews saying what those views are - have at it. Just don't put it into your music, man. It ruins it for me.

Now of course, anti-war, anti-poverty, other transcending political topics are always going to be around, I don't have a problem with those. Just getting so specific ruins the poetry. There's alot of political songs that most people don't know are political, because they were written poetically or about general social injustice even if the artist was thinking something specific, it was open to interpretation.

" A King James I by any other name would still have dissolved Parliament..."

The beauty of music is that it connects with many audiences, in many different situations. I have many times listened to a song in a particular time in my life that helped me through that time and that I really connected with. Later on I have found out that the song was written about something different altogether, but I was able to connect with it because it was written in a way that was open to what I was feeling at the time.

Another reason it's not a great idea to make political music is because it instantly alienates a great part of your audience. This is not the days of Pink Floyd anymore - the average listening audience for a rock album or a rap album ranges to all difference races, religions, walks of life and political views. You are instantly alienating a portion without reprive when you blatantly state your political views in the contents of a song. The whole point of poetry is to create some mystery of what you are saying so the listener or reader can come to their own conclusions. Don't just state what are saying plain and out there. That makes for very little listening quality.

I'm sorry, I become deaf when people sing stupid.

On behalf of musicians and music listeners everywhere - please don't make any more songs for or against presidents, congressmen or city councilmen - I'm tired of skipping your songs on my iPod. Don't make songs for or against government policies or things you should be government policies, although I suppose people will never stop making songs about weed...what are you going to do? lol. Those are dumb things to make music about, don't make for great musical poetry, and frankly are getting pretty boring and repetitive.

End of Musing No. 3
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Musing No. 2 - Style Lines Are Being Blurred

The more I listen to the new music coming out - it seems to me that the style lines are being blurred. What was once clearly defined as one style can cover several genres at one time.

http://unadorned.org

Not that I disapprove, quite on the contrary, I appreciate the diversity in each market. We went through quite a stint what I like to refer to as 'The Creed Era' where anyone and everyone in rock sounded like Creed. Now many people have varying opinions on the band Creed itself, I loved em back in the day, but everyone copying everyone else is a great way to kill your industry. Look at bands like AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles - these groups have never successfully been duplicated, in that time when something was made no one else (who was serious) copied it - they made they own stuff. It made the industry diverse.

AC/DC in concert. Photograph: Michael Halsband/PR

Well we are in a very diverse time in the industry at the moment. Rock, Pop, Classic Rock, Techno, and Jazz can all be found on one album many times, even once in awhile, in multiple elements on one song. Take a look at a new band - Mutemath, for instance. Mutemath, to give you some back story was started by ex-keyboardist and back-up singer for christian band, Earthsuit, by the name of Paul Meany. Earthsuit was a very experimental techno centered rock. Paul has been able to take some of that techno infusement and put it into a rock format, with a bit of a pop tinge. 10 years ago, his music would have been criticized as a mamby-pamby soft rock or pop. But the industry has changed. Let's face it, as much as you like the sound of a song on the radio, you may not want to hear the exact same thing through 15 tracks on an album. And in today's internet music market, people can choose to just buy the songs they like and ditch the rest.

Mutemath album - Armistice

This ends up being a good thing and a bad thing. Many professional/career musicians think of it as a bad thing, because all of their songs have to be good, and let's face it, most albums - don't really have all great songs.

The good thing, which I really want to point out - is that due to the diversifying of the industry, creativity is given full reign. No longer is someone forced to create a new band whenever they want to do a different sound. You don't have to sit down and think "This has to be a rock album, so I can't do this pop/rock song that I just came up with." You can just channel what comes to your head and through your hands. Now there will always be niche bands, like the extreme heavy metal or screamo bands, but even they are creeping out with one or two pop-esque tracks and they are being embraced pretty well.

If you focus on making music that you like to make, regardless of if it all falls into a particular genre mold or not, then it will work. Creativity cannot be put into a box! A great example of this is the many rock bands & artists that are collaborating with producer Timbaland. Timbaland, for those of you that don't know is an r&b and rap producer, but he is very experimental and enjoys using different elements to create new stuff. You have bands like Fall Out Boy, The Hives, She Wants Revenge, One Republic - even Chris Cornell (former lead singer of mega rock bands such as Soundgarden & Audioslave) all working to create a rock/r&b hybrid on certain tracks. Why? Because it's new! It's different! It's creative! It's probably something they wanted to do, but felt they had to stick to a particular genre. Many musicians I have talked to feel this way.

Timbaland (Tim Mosley)

The point I would like to hit home is that when sitting down to make music - make music that is organic to you. Make music that comes out of your like magic. Make music that you just make, not that you have to slave and slave to change into what you think it should be. You will end up enjoying it more and will be much more successful if you are doing what you love than what you don't. The artist that is himself - however weird or different - will be the most successful.

End of Musing No. 2
For more info on the Musician that is Musing go HERE.