Yes yes, it's that time again, that time when the old year ends and and the new year doesn't. It's the time when people realize that they didn't do anything they said they would do the last 5 New Years, and they are sure this is the year they are going to do it.
Captain Insano vowed to Show No Mercy...but showed mercy anyway.Well...actually it's past that time of year. I read that most people forget their resolutions for the new year by about the end of the second week of the year, so I figured I would not make a resolution until around that time - thus outlasting all the slackers out there. This also achieves the goal of being a trend-setter, as I am now probably the only person talking about resolutions, and I have waited long enough that I am not 'still' talking about it, I am now talking about it 'again' - which I think we would all agree is much different.
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This Year I Promise to become a professional wrestler, but so as to avoid the ho-hum of *yawn* regular wrestling, I will only be wrestling little old ladies & midgets and/or dwarfs. I am painfully aware that many midgets and dwarfs are surprisingly strong, but I believe this would provide the highest comedic value while still somewhat solidifying me as a badass. So if your grandma is bored, or if the guy who played the little dude in the R2-D2 outfit is still alive - tell them to call me - I've got an ass-whooping waiting for them.
And you were thinking "How could I possibly improve upon the A-Team?"
*Edit - After watching a hilarious youtube video, I think it would be hilarious if the midgets and/or dwarfs were wearing no pants while we wrestled.*
*Edit2 - After thinking about it, that sounds superhero gay. Scratch that idea - keep your pants on, little people.*
*Edit3 - And don't you get any ideas either - little old ladies. You keep all the clothes on, and put on more still. That loose, dangly, wrinkly skin is an unfair advantage when wrestling, as it is proven to be a choking hazard.*
This Year I Promise to try to get a Hoveround chair, because they look so damn cool - and good news - if my medicare doesn't cover it they will! Since I don't have medicare, I'm pretty sure my non-existent medicare won't cover it - so I'm golden! What? You doubt how cool that would be? You ever go into the grocery store and drive around in one of those old-folks chairs until security stops you and kicks you out of the store? Wasn't that awesome?! Now, imagine that you could do that - only everywhere, and all the time! Yeah, that kind of awesomeness can only be found with a Hoveround!
For more proof of how badass this would be, check the vid.
This Year I Promise to send in pictures of myself to TMZ until they put me on their show. This is the new badge of honor, and a true sign that you have made it. I am prepared to show my breasts.
Who is this guy, and why do I suddenly care about his cold-sore?
This Year I Promise to buy a bridge in New York City. I found a guy who says he can get me a great deal on one, near Brooklyn apparently. I've been told it's impossible to do, but that just gives me more motivation to prove them wrong. Whenever anyone tells you something can't be done - you kill yourself trying to accomplish it. I mean, look, people told Keanu Reeves that he would never be able to act with emotion - well, he showed them wrong! People told the president that he couldn't fix the economy, and he showed them wrong! People told Ellen Degeneres that she was funny, and she showed them wrong! How many bridges are near brooklyn....
The new Anti-Suspension Bridge.
This Year I Promise to run a marathon while wearing Heelys. To pre-empt the emails I will undoubtedly get that this is 'super easy', I will take 6 tylenol pm right before I run/heel this marathon and see if I can make it to the end. I am also prepared to show my breasts here.
An Epic Fail isn't really a Fail at all. :-)
And To End It....
This Year I Promise to demand the timeslot of whatever job Conan O'Brien lands at next. To kick him in the balls even further, I will promise him the job and give it to him, then demand it back. Hehehe. I feel this would be hilariously funny, and while many of you love Conan, I have no doubt you are still tickled at how funny, yet tragic this would be - and the tragicness would only really add to the funny. So help me, I will take Coco's shift at K-Mart if that's where he ends up, and the whole while, his self-deprecating humor will create good times had by all!
*Sigh* "Fine, kick me in balls...What else can you do to me?"
Happy New Year Everyone!
End of Musing No. 7
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