Musing No. 17 - Coffee & d-Con

To preface this post - my night was held together by many MANY cups of this:

So around 1 AM my beautiful 37-week prego wife and I were sitting on our bed, watching various episodes of How I Met Your Mother that I have saved on my Mac. We've got it hooked up to our nice big tv, which is across the room, but I don't mind getting up to switch every episode because....well let's face it, it's not like I've yet achieved the perfect weight-class.

I know I already did a preface for this particular musing, but I think I'll add another. While I love living out in the more wildlife area of the southern Grand Rapids area - me and my wife really are city folk. By this point you are probably thinking, "How the hell are any of these factors related?" Well fear not, because I genuinely believe that I can somewhat bring this jumble of mish-moshed thoughts together....or if I fail, I hope I at least fail hilariously.

A.D.D. is awesome - back to my story. So one of the episodes of HIMYM ends and I get up to go change the episode. As I was walking over to the computer, the floor in front of me seemed to gain a momentary moving ink blotch. I stop in my tracks and stare for slightly too long. My wife, noticing my momentary lapse of concentration asks me what I was staring at. My first thought: "Damn...I really was looking forward to sleeping tonight." She asks me again, "Hun, what's wrong?" Sweat starts to bead slightly on my forward as I think to myself: "Play this cool and you still might be able to." "Uh...yeah hun," I say aloud, attempting to collect my thoughts, "I think I might have seen a mouse." "F*****ck. Nailed it."

Well clearly she wasn't going to go to sleep until I caught the mouse. Catch the mouse? Now - let's get this out in the open. Jack Hannah, I'm not. Crocodile Dundee, I'm not. I've never even won a game of Mousetrap. I'm sure there's a way to catch a mouse on the spot - but I have no clue what it is.

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong.

I lumber grudgingly over to the spot where I saw the mouse run, and pray to God to I just had a momentary contact malfunction. I start pulling things out of the way and the damn thing runs over my foot, through my legs and under the bed where my wife is now quite unhappily sitting. I also may have pooped myself. (What?! I told you I'm city folk!)

I then put on shoes and start squeamishly removing food from the end table next to the bed, as my wife had stockpiled a good amount of snacky things (it's a wonder why the mouse picked our room) as well as removing items from under the bed. I get a good amount of this done and still see no mouse. I quickly decided it was time for reinforcements. I go awaken my brother-in-law's basset hound upstairs and lure him into the bedroom. I tell him to go under the bed. He sticks his head under and then plops/lays down. Sooo I sigh and start pulling more things out.

Now we have our bed up on platforms for extra storage, but since there was no platform for the middle - we put a concrete cinder block. Those of you suspense novel connoisseurs are no-doubt figuring out what I am leading to. There was a very comfy looking mouse nest built inside one of the two sides of the cinder block. Fantastic. Experience has taught me that you can't see the little buggers inside their nest, after a rather unfortunate incident where I picked up what appeared to be a harmless a ball of white fuzz in the garage of a previous house and a mouse jumped at my face. I go and grab a mop and poke the handle into the nest expecting the worst. Nothing. I pull the nest out. Nothing. Not relief but lack of desire for having to go in farther slaps me in the face.

Evil lives here...

I concluded that I will be needing something stronger to fight this evil. I inform my wife that she should and the dogs probably hit up the couch in the living room for the night, since she informed me she wouldn't be able to sleep in the bed til I get the mouse - then I head off for the store!

Arriving to the local 24hour grocery store, (10 to 15 minutes away) I quickly locate the rodent annihilation aisle, and I proceed to grab - oooh about 20 bucks worth of d-Con items. I walk up to the front, proud that I will be attacking this unwanted visitor and reclaim my testicles from the 2 to 3 inch ball of black fur that stole them from me. I proceed to check out, only to find that my wallet is not located in my back pocket. "Damn," I think to myself, "Little bugger stole that too. He is good!" I sheepishly ask the unpleasant register laborer if he would hold onto my goods, so that I may return to pick them up swiftly. Annoyed he yells to his manager that he is going to the restroom. I take that as a yes.

Jumping back into my vehicle I see that I am bumping the bottom of my gas tank. How convenient. At around 2 AM, many many gas stations are open in my area - and are quite coincidentally very open to giving their precious commodity away to wallet-less patrons. I pray to baby Jesus that I can make it home and not make this a more embarrassing story than it already is. I take off out of the parking lot and down the road.

Baby Jesus was not in the mood to be kind. A stranger with an awfully coincidentally full portable gas tank was, though, so I will now be saying all future prayers to 'Beat-up Chevy-driving Hobo-looking, Possibly-homosexually-pedobeard man.' What can I say? The gays love me.

SOOO back on the road! I get home, grab my wallet, make a detour to a gas station so I don't have to give more than a smile to the next strangely flirty good Samaritan and head back to the store. I arrive to see that all my items have been returned to the back of the store where I found them (FANTASTIC) and fly speed racer style through the aisles once again. Checking out and then hopping in the car I stop for not one, but 2 cups of coffee at McDonalds and then return home.

Little bastard won't know what hit him.

As I now sit here, on my couch, waiting for mickey to step in a sticky trap, get severed in a cheese clamp or eat a lethal dose of mouse poison I ask myself, "More Coffee?"

End of Musing No. 17

Musing No. 16 - I'm Going To Have A Little Terror

So if there are people that haven't heard yet, I'm going to be a daddy. Not sure what the sex is yet, but if I had to guess, I would say the sex is Awesome.

Now some of you may care, but most of you probably don't and are now waiting for me to make a funny antidote or inspirational reflection upon how this may relate to you in any way.

Well you won't get that here, that's for blogs that are actually good and post more than twice an f-in year. Yeah yeah, I'll work on that last part. I just wanted to state that soon I will release my spawn upon the world and the terror that hopefully will ensue.

They say pictures make blogs more interesting.

End of Musing No. 16

Smart Idea #516 - This One Hurt Me, lol.

Musing No. 12 - The Way To Win The Uphill Battle

Turning positive into negative. The age old quest of mankind's history. How do you take crap and turn into lemonade? Well you don't. Crap would make terrible lemonade. You use the crap to rise above.

Seeing the positive, through the negative.

Don't bother with the fact that all our politicians seem to hate people who actually make something of themselves. That will be wore as a badge of courage once you get there. So you've swam through the river of monkey feces, what now? There appeared from back there to be a nice field of flowers back there from down this yellow brick road, but now I am seeing that I am only getting drudged down and quite wore out and sleepy from this march.

What Life Looked Like from Afar...

The key to success is not quitting. Look through-out your own life. You see quitters everywhere - working at McDonalds, gas stations, people who have been working the same dead-end job at a mall clothing shop or at customer service center for years and always talk of going up - but never do. Here's a nugget - Your ambition can take you farther than your actual talent can. If you have the drive to succeed, you will zoom past many people who have the talent to succeed but aren't trying. That's just a fact of life.

What Life Ended Up Being - An Uphill Battle

Look at the story of Donald Trump. Now, many people may not like Trump, because he's 'too rich' or because he's 'too arrogant' but you have to take a different approach to rich people like him. Someday you aim to be successful, right? So why attack the people who have achieved what you are trying to? Sure, there are many rich people who inherited and just waste it and leach off of their parents like Nicole Richie or others like her. But people like Donald Trump, Warren Buffet and Robert Kiyosaki pulled themselves up from the ground - and that's what you are aiming to do. Don't put them down - learn from them.

If he can't be successful, no one can.

So back to my point. Look at the story of Donald Trump. Trump is a man who see's what he wants and goes after it. Trump is a man who has been up and down many times. He is a man who has declared bankruptcy more than once in his lifetime, has seen his share of struggles and yet each time he falls - he flies even higher. So how does he do it? Here's a quote from Trump that sums it all up: "I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big."

You have to think to the next step. There are two great advantages for doing this:

First, Thinking big and thinking beyond your current step gives you something to look forward to. Yes yes, this step may suck. Working up from the bottom always does. But when you get past this step - look at what you have to look forward to. Look at what you have coming up next. Thinking big shows you more of the big picture when the small details depress you to no end. And that leads us to point number 2.

Second, Thinking big let's you picture where your current step falls in the overall scheme of things and helps you align it with your overall goals. It is easy to get so focused on the current step that you forget about the provisions for the next steps. Don't burn your bridges until you know you won't need them! Thinking big will allow you to see the big picture and put your current locale into an overall plan. Planning ahead is also a great way to not rush the steps - as each step is important, and since you are on the bottom - you are building your future's foundation. Remember that when trying to jump ahead - you may fly high and far, but if you don't build these foundations first, your future will fall.

Looks pretty, don't it? Don't breath to hard...

Though this time may suck and you may be feeling down - develop a plan and realize that this is only a step in that plan. Every good plan has multiple steps, and every step brings you closer to success.

End of Musing No. 12

Musing No. 11 - Option 3 through Number 2

Remember when this world was your berry for the picking? Remember when the world was your oyster, with pearls begging to be plundered? If you've lived long enough, chances are that your views of the world have changed since those innocent beginnings. Reality is a unwelcome arrival - much like waking from a restful sleep to a gun barrel in your face can ruin your morning and alter the liquid content of your bed sheets and undergarments. Regardless, reality is something we all must face at one time or another.

Haha, suckers - my sheets are already yellow.

For the pessimists this is a simple feat to accomplish. It doesn't really change things for them, they just now have confirmation of their suspicions that the world sucks, and can't get too much more depressed than they already are. Realists take it in stride, as they already knew as much so they've had time to deal with it before the rest of us. Surprisingly the optimists many times take it the hardest, and often join the ranks of the pessimists - as much of their ability to fly rode on the bubble that just burst.

Isn't that a weird picture? I forgot why it was relevant now...

I would say that I probably fall into the Realist category, as I just see a glass and don't really care if it's half empty or half full as long as there's still something left in it for me to drink. (Ok so I'm a selfish realist...no one's perfect)

But what do you do after reality hits? Your golden dreams and plans are suddenly quite a bit harder than you had originally anticipated. The yellow brick road is suddenly piled with monkey feces and you don't remember that part from the book. (Flying monkeys have a great deal more bowel movements than pigeons)

My photoshopping resume just hit a low-point.

Well, you have three options:

Option 1 - Stop there, and find solace in the fact that you are on the yellow brick road, (even though you are no longer moving on it). Yellow is really a nice color, let's stare at it awhile.

Option 2 - Try to find a way around it. Sure that sign says 'Evil Talking Trees' followed by 'Witch's Castle' but I'm sure I can find a short cut. And I'll have the trees to have nice conversations with along the way.

Option 3 - Jump into the monkey shit. Anything can be swam through - just ask Andy Dufresne.

Get busy livin, or get busy dyin.

If you chose option 3, Congratulations - you're not stupid and you have a wonderful musky aroma you should remember to wash off once you reach the Emerald City. If you chose option 1 or 2 - enjoy working for Option 3'ers.

Yes you will have to go through obstacles to get to your dream. If it was easy everyone would have done it and it wouldn't be something worth dreaming about. And yes - It sucks. It sucks real bad. You can't see what's ahead, you're trying not to breath in and you promise God never to look down upon a hobo who smells funny again if he can please send Moses down to perform a Brown Sea encore. But you know it must be done.

Look what you did now, you damn dirty apes...

Just ask any man who's ever made anything of himself, and he will tell you that Armani suits feel just as good stained brown and that a dry-cleaning bill is much more rewarding than a welfare check. If you ever plan on getting ahead in life, plan on smelling like crap for awhile - but remember that it's only for a season. This too, shall pass.

End of Musing No. 11

Smart Idea #485 - We're Really On A Roll Here....

Musing No. 8 - It May Become An Epidemic

I've been reminded lately of who I am.

What exactly do I mean?

You have to know who you are. And you have to know it, not base it on anything else. You can't base it on people that you think are your friends. You can't base it on popular opinion. It's not a puffed-up pride, that you think you are always right about everything. But you are the only one who can truly be right about who you are.

If you don't know who you are, your perception of your self image will change with every blowing of the wind. If you don't know who you are - friends, surroundings, hard times - anything and everything will change who you are. I am sad to say, I have a few friends that this describes perfectly. They change every time they feel bad, they change every time they hang around one friend for any particular amount of time, they change every time they have turmoil in their life. They are just a leaf, blown by the wind.

Now, I am a religion-hating God lover, and I say this because by definition I am a christian, but I share very little traits with most christians I know - so I like to avoid the label. Most Christian's self image is very loose, as it is usually based off of a moral code presented by a minister. The problem with this scenario is that, instead of God being a foundation in their life and self-worth, that minister becomes the mirror holder. And when that minister says something that is not of God, well they have already given that minister their mirror - not God, so they follow where the minister takes the mirror, in whichever way they choose to twist or distort it. At this point - the minister is setting their self-worth, and has complete control of them.

I'm gonna eat you.

Don't get me wrong, this is done with more than just minsters. Many people's sheeplike following of the Obama movement is incredibly similar. Or people's following of rockstars, movie stars - you name it. When you base yourself on what someone else says, you no longer exist - you have become a mannequin.

Self worth is a big problem in today's world. And it affects all walks of life. From the severe breakdowns in the public limelight - like those of Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan - to the big business man who gets hurt every time someone attacks him for making the money he earned at his job - to the everyday man who so desperately wants people to like him - to the girl who buys magazines of what she is told are beautiful women, and develops eating disorders or cutting herself to cope. If you don't have your own self-worth, you will be miserable.

Now to many, this sounds prideful. "Your ego is so huge, that you don't care what anyone says about you. You don't even care when others try to correct you." This has been said to me. And you know what? Aside from the ego part, that's partly true. I am who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, I accept who I am, and I know very well that I have flaws. But I also know that the moment I let someone else's opinion shape me, that is the moment I have lost myself. That is the moment I cease to be relevant to anyone.

Yay! Now I'm teachable!

There is a difference between being teachable, and being a ball of mush. I don't claim to know everything about anything. I know that there is plenty that I don't know. But one thing I do know - I know who I am. You can teach me a million things about a million things - but I promise you, you don't know more about me than I do.

My opinions, however mean or evil some people may think they are, are at the end of the day - actually MY opinions. They did not spout from some newspaper, tv show or comedian. They did not spur from what someone else told me I should think, they are what I formed myself. Your own opinions are worth more than a thousand repeater's opinions. Your actual opinions, what your thinking mind came up with yourself, are more valuable than every robot's opinions in the world.

Hey!

People are so tied up in wanting to be liked, that they lose who they are. They taylor their opinions to their audience. They craft their words to please people. And they are faker than Milli Vannelli's 'live' performances. And because of this - their opinions are worthless.

If you are fake or people pleasing - I do not respect you one iota. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Fake answers in the hope of 'peace' will get you nowhere with me. I would much more appreciate a severely opposing viewpoint - but one that you actually hold and came to yourself, than a fake all-out agreement.

I would like to encourage all the rebels out there that dare to have their own thought every once in awhile - that you are heading in the right direction. You need to figure out who you are, for yourself, and I promise you, your life will be so much happier than anything you have ever felt before.

I've been reminded lately of who I am. It may become an epidemic.

End of Musing No. 8

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Musing No. 7 - This Year I Promise

Yes yes, it's that time again, that time when the old year ends and and the new year doesn't. It's the time when people realize that they didn't do anything they said they would do the last 5 New Years, and they are sure this is the year they are going to do it.

Captain Insano vowed to Show No Mercy...but showed mercy anyway.

Well...actually it's past that time of year. I read that most people forget their resolutions for the new year by about the end of the second week of the year, so I figured I would not make a resolution until around that time - thus outlasting all the slackers out there. This also achieves the goal of being a trend-setter, as I am now probably the only person talking about resolutions, and I have waited long enough that I am not 'still' talking about it, I am now talking about it 'again' - which I think we would all agree is much different.

BEGIN

This Year I Promise to become a professional wrestler, but so as to avoid the ho-hum of *yawn* regular wrestling, I will only be wrestling little old ladies & midgets and/or dwarfs. I am painfully aware that many midgets and dwarfs are surprisingly strong, but I believe this would provide the highest comedic value while still somewhat solidifying me as a badass. So if your grandma is bored, or if the guy who played the little dude in the R2-D2 outfit is still alive - tell them to call me - I've got an ass-whooping waiting for them.

And you were thinking "How could I possibly improve upon the A-Team?"

*Edit - After watching a hilarious youtube video, I think it would be hilarious if the midgets and/or dwarfs were wearing no pants while we wrestled.*

*Edit2 - After thinking about it, that sounds superhero gay. Scratch that idea - keep your pants on, little people.*

*Edit3 - And don't you get any ideas either - little old ladies. You keep all the clothes on, and put on more still. That loose, dangly, wrinkly skin is an unfair advantage when wrestling, as it is proven to be a choking hazard.*

This Year I Promise to try to get a Hoveround chair, because they look so damn cool - and good news - if my medicare doesn't cover it they will! Since I don't have medicare, I'm pretty sure my non-existent medicare won't cover it - so I'm golden! What? You doubt how cool that would be? You ever go into the grocery store and drive around in one of those old-folks chairs until security stops you and kicks you out of the store? Wasn't that awesome?! Now, imagine that you could do that - only everywhere, and all the time! Yeah, that kind of awesomeness can only be found with a Hoveround!

For more proof of how badass this would be, check the vid.

This Year I Promise to send in pictures of myself to TMZ until they put me on their show. This is the new badge of honor, and a true sign that you have made it. I am prepared to show my breasts.

Who is this guy, and why do I suddenly care about his cold-sore?

This Year I Promise to buy a bridge in New York City. I found a guy who says he can get me a great deal on one, near Brooklyn apparently. I've been told it's impossible to do, but that just gives me more motivation to prove them wrong. Whenever anyone tells you something can't be done - you kill yourself trying to accomplish it. I mean, look, people told Keanu Reeves that he would never be able to act with emotion - well, he showed them wrong! People told the president that he couldn't fix the economy, and he showed them wrong! People told Ellen Degeneres that she was funny, and she showed them wrong! How many bridges are near brooklyn....

The new Anti-Suspension Bridge.

This Year I Promise to run a marathon while wearing Heelys. To pre-empt the emails I will undoubtedly get that this is 'super easy', I will take 6 tylenol pm right before I run/heel this marathon and see if I can make it to the end. I am also prepared to show my breasts here.

An Epic Fail isn't really a Fail at all. :-)

And To End It....

This Year I Promise to demand the timeslot of whatever job Conan O'Brien lands at next. To kick him in the balls even further, I will promise him the job and give it to him, then demand it back. Hehehe. I feel this would be hilariously funny, and while many of you love Conan, I have no doubt you are still tickled at how funny, yet tragic this would be - and the tragicness would only really add to the funny. So help me, I will take Coco's shift at K-Mart if that's where he ends up, and the whole while, his self-deprecating humor will create good times had by all!

*Sigh* "Fine, kick me in balls...What else can you do to me?"

Happy New Year Everyone!

End of Musing No. 7

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