Phosphorous - By Joel Mann

Musing No. 15 - The Endgame

Stress will always be one of two things - the best motivation or the final breaking point. But as anyone who has been through football hell week, army boot camp or alcohol/drug detox can tell you - the best motivation & the final breaking point are often one and the same.

Stress for me is where everything I have learned and already know comes out the strongest. When the shit hits the fan (seriously, who keeps throwing shit at fans?) my instincts and knowledge come out in full force. It's when I don't know all that I need to know to finish the job that I stress out and borderline break down...right up until I still finish and surprise myself.

Unfortunately I am currently working on a project at my day job of marketer/web designer/graphics designer where the latter seems to be the case. I have faced many different situations where it forces me to grow and I end up making something that I never knew I could make, and a damn good finished product at the same time. I'm sure this will be the case this time as well, but I'm hardcore stressing it all the same.

Way too much coffee, way too many hours, and more than a little late-night television rolling on in the background but I get the job done. I constantly remind myself that I overwork now so I can enjoy later, where as a good portion of my friends work a little (9 to 5) then enjoy a little in the moment - and that's what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. They will never be living life to the fullest as it is meant to be lived, because they will be at the dead end jobs probably the rest of their lives and only actually living in the few night and sometimes weekend hours, coming up to breath with the meager vacation days allotted by the boss in the big corner office.

The point of this post is to encourage the dream chasers out there in the plight of your cause. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and while you may be moving slower than your counterparts are traveling in life's tunnel, you'll emerge from it driving in a Porsche 911 GT3 RS (or whatever german/italian sports car you prefer).


And if you aren't working for yourself - I would like to remind you the cold hard fact that so many GM/Chrysler/Union employees are learning now - retirement at 60 isn't guaranteed. If you are sitting on a dream - shame on you. But don't worry - the dream-chasers will always need employees to work their dreams for them.

End of Musing No. 15

Musing No. 14 - My Observations

So it's been awhile since I've posted. The combination of my businesses, - my marketing company, record label, and real estate solutions company; and the fact that most of my thoughts recently seem to be able to fit into 140 characters for a twitter/facebook status update - the blog has not been chuggin.

But where I've not been writing much, I have been observing just as actively - likely more actively than normal. I would like to share some of my observations with the world now. (Yes. The whole world reads my blog. What of it?)

OBSERVATION 1: LINDSAY LOHAN IS STILL DUMB.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan has continued the proud tradition of celebrities who repeatedly break the law and then wonder why they get in trouble for it. But hey, she got like a month cut off her 'a little longer than a month sentence' so I guess she really didn't get into trouble for it. And she's already gay, so getting violated by other women won't really be that traumatic either. Come to think of it, that doesn't really sound like a whole lot of trouble when you really play it out...I'm thinking I might need a new headline....

*EDIT* OBSERVATION 1: LINDSAY LOHAN DID ONE OR TWO DUMB MOVIES WHEN SHE WASN'T AN UGLY-ASS STICK, SO SHE WILL NEVER GET INTO ACTUAL TROUBLE. EVER.

That sounds about right.

OBSERVATION 2: MEL GIBSON IS STILL AWESOME.

Yes, you read that right. Still Awesome. Now if some of the allegations are true, he's also guilty of a few crimes, but that never stopped other celebrities from being loved. And I don't hold the fact that he at least tried to follow God and all that against him like the media seems to want to. That doesn't seem to make sense to me - 'Because you tried to be good and didn't succeed you are much worse than all the people who just try to be bad and succeed.' lol. The guy has battled alcoholism, he's bipolar and now he's apparently crazy. Just chalk another point up to 'Awesome' in my book.

Also making me dislike him less and hate the woman more is the week and half of daily audio tid-bit releases. Nothing says conniving bitch more than a woman realizing she has no legal right to his money so she just tries to tank him in a slow tortured career suicide. When I have more money I'm hiring Mel to join my posse and just curse people out. If you have listened to the tapes at all, you have to admit - he is good at insults, like really really good.

OBSERVATION 3: THE WHITE HOUSE ONCE HAD SMART PEOPLE IN IT

Lol, Yes yes, my political rants are not appreciated - dually noted. I'm assuming this was the cause of 3 people blocking me on twitter - but out of my 9000+ twitter followers, 3 seems like an insignificant number. And now that I've stunned you with my math skills:

I have no personal issue with Obama or anyone else in the White House, but they really seem dense at the moment. If we wanted someone to pursue their own agenda and not deal with the actual problems of the country, well then we wouldn't have needed 'Change' now, would we?

The combination of a Healthcare Bill that only taxed people who didn't buy Healthcare, a Stimulus Bill that didn't stimulate, The Cardcheck Bill that is trying to make a majority of the businesses Unionized so we can have nationwide the joy that Detroit has had with the Auto Unions, and Cap & Trade that taxes companies that pollute too much, (because we need more taxes on companies in America right now) It appears we are in the middle of a war on American Wallets. "No-good wallets, always planning schemes behind our backs."

OBSERVATION 4: PEOPLE ALL HATE WHAT THEY WANT TO BECOME.

I laugh when I hear about people talking about the 'filthy rich' people on wall street, big firm execs, big oil or whatever else. The reason I laugh is because if 99% of the people who complain about these people were offered the same position for the same pay they would almost all take it. I heard someone call into a show to complain. Here is what I heard, which made me so happy:

Host: "Hello you're on the ______ show. What's on your mind?"

Caller: "I'm so pissed off at the big CEO's of big oil and big business and Wall Street. Obama needs to take them all out and give the money to the people they have stole from! It's not fair that they make that kind of money when the rest of us suffer!"

Host: "Now real quick, I just want to ask - how much would you like to make if you could?"

Caller: "I would love to make 100 grand a year, like those greedy Wall Street folks make."

Host: "That sounds like a great salary, so what are you doing to make that kind of money? What have you done in preparation? Have you gone through 8 years of schooling, climbed your way up the corporate ladder over 30 or 40 years? Have you spend nights away from your family, sleeping in a hotel bed by yourself more nights than you get to sleep in your own bed with your wife?

Caller: "...."

Host: "I didn't think so. Call me back when you've done all that, and then we'll see what your point of view is.

I want to develop a TV disclaimer device, that puts a nice disclaimer on all speeches on TV. Here are some examples of what you will hear once I develop this device. Obama, in a big political speech, "And I Will Make Sure that the Rich Fat Cats on Wall Street (whose money I glad took to fund my campaign) Don't Steal From Americans Anymore! (and by steal, I mean find ways to make money in an economy that I'm trying to kill.)"

This an example of what would be heard. Of course it wouldn't be popular by any means, because people love to have an enemy other than themselves and love not being held accountable for their own mistakes. Furthermore, most of these people who are rich worked long and hard to get to where they are, and if most people put in the same amount of time and effort would also end up in the same great positions. But it is easier to not do anything and just complain - and easier has become the American way apparently.

That is a few of my observations in the past few months, and I'm sure I'll share more.

End of Musing No. 14

Musing No. 13 - Celebrities and the Nazi Card

Going Green is really chic right now. It's the hip thing to do. And while I love my planet and I have no qualm with being economically responsible, many people - many famous people are just taking this too far.

Paul McCartney, when you want an old woman who sounds like a Beatle.

A good example would be Paul McCartney, talking the other day at a press conference with President Obama. Here's what he said, when referring to the oil spill:

"Sadly we need disasters like this to show people. Some people don't believe in climate warming - like those who don't believe there was a Holocaust."

(http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3027440/Exclusive-Paul-McCartney-chat.html)

Now I'd like to address the first part, first. I'm not saying the oil spill isn't bad, I think it's terrible and I don't like seeing the pictures of baking pelicans anymore than anyone else. But come on Paul, the oil spill is because of global warming? What, did global warming bake the brains of the people who rushed the job and didn't do all the necessary procedures to stop a disaster beforehand? It really bums me out when great musicians are mentally retarded.

Look! It's Falling From The Sky! Damn Global Warming!

But the second part, while not as stupid is still equally as ignorant. There is clear proof that the Holocaust existed. There is not clear proof that global warming exists. That is why there are still a large number of scientists who do not believe it exists. There can be compelling examples that both sides can bring to the table - but the fact of the matter is - it's not proven, and as time goes on it's getting less and less clear.

But in all honesty, the worst part of the quote was that he pulled the 'Nazi Card'. I am sooo tired of all sides pulling the damn Nazi card. Stop equating everyone that does not believe in your views to Nazis or relating it to the holocaust or anything Hitler, Third Reich, or little upper-lip mustache related. If you have at least something remotely correlating or can at least draw a reasonable resemblance, well then you would at least not be pulling it out of thin air, although you would still be standing on thin ice.

Clearly this is the right way to go.

Unfortunately for our environment, most eco-friendly spokespeople end up looking like retarded idiots who want you to pay an addition 5 bucks for that lemon because it's organic, want to fine you 50 bucks because you don't recycle all the paper that goes through your house and don't understand why someone with 5 kids can't fit into a honda civic instead of their big 'evil' SUV.

As mandated by FEMA this is Jon & Kate Gosselin's new vehicle.

You're making people hate anything that sounds like it might be eco-friendly, because they associate it with you. So cut it out or I'm going to wipe my ass with your curtains to save toilet paper.

End of Musing No. 13

Smart Idea #516 - This One Hurt Me, lol.

Musing No. 12 - The Way To Win The Uphill Battle

Turning positive into negative. The age old quest of mankind's history. How do you take crap and turn into lemonade? Well you don't. Crap would make terrible lemonade. You use the crap to rise above.

Seeing the positive, through the negative.

Don't bother with the fact that all our politicians seem to hate people who actually make something of themselves. That will be wore as a badge of courage once you get there. So you've swam through the river of monkey feces, what now? There appeared from back there to be a nice field of flowers back there from down this yellow brick road, but now I am seeing that I am only getting drudged down and quite wore out and sleepy from this march.

What Life Looked Like from Afar...

The key to success is not quitting. Look through-out your own life. You see quitters everywhere - working at McDonalds, gas stations, people who have been working the same dead-end job at a mall clothing shop or at customer service center for years and always talk of going up - but never do. Here's a nugget - Your ambition can take you farther than your actual talent can. If you have the drive to succeed, you will zoom past many people who have the talent to succeed but aren't trying. That's just a fact of life.

What Life Ended Up Being - An Uphill Battle

Look at the story of Donald Trump. Now, many people may not like Trump, because he's 'too rich' or because he's 'too arrogant' but you have to take a different approach to rich people like him. Someday you aim to be successful, right? So why attack the people who have achieved what you are trying to? Sure, there are many rich people who inherited and just waste it and leach off of their parents like Nicole Richie or others like her. But people like Donald Trump, Warren Buffet and Robert Kiyosaki pulled themselves up from the ground - and that's what you are aiming to do. Don't put them down - learn from them.

If he can't be successful, no one can.

So back to my point. Look at the story of Donald Trump. Trump is a man who see's what he wants and goes after it. Trump is a man who has been up and down many times. He is a man who has declared bankruptcy more than once in his lifetime, has seen his share of struggles and yet each time he falls - he flies even higher. So how does he do it? Here's a quote from Trump that sums it all up: "I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big."

You have to think to the next step. There are two great advantages for doing this:

First, Thinking big and thinking beyond your current step gives you something to look forward to. Yes yes, this step may suck. Working up from the bottom always does. But when you get past this step - look at what you have to look forward to. Look at what you have coming up next. Thinking big shows you more of the big picture when the small details depress you to no end. And that leads us to point number 2.

Second, Thinking big let's you picture where your current step falls in the overall scheme of things and helps you align it with your overall goals. It is easy to get so focused on the current step that you forget about the provisions for the next steps. Don't burn your bridges until you know you won't need them! Thinking big will allow you to see the big picture and put your current locale into an overall plan. Planning ahead is also a great way to not rush the steps - as each step is important, and since you are on the bottom - you are building your future's foundation. Remember that when trying to jump ahead - you may fly high and far, but if you don't build these foundations first, your future will fall.

Looks pretty, don't it? Don't breath to hard...

Though this time may suck and you may be feeling down - develop a plan and realize that this is only a step in that plan. Every good plan has multiple steps, and every step brings you closer to success.

End of Musing No. 12

Musing No. 11 - Option 3 through Number 2

Remember when this world was your berry for the picking? Remember when the world was your oyster, with pearls begging to be plundered? If you've lived long enough, chances are that your views of the world have changed since those innocent beginnings. Reality is a unwelcome arrival - much like waking from a restful sleep to a gun barrel in your face can ruin your morning and alter the liquid content of your bed sheets and undergarments. Regardless, reality is something we all must face at one time or another.

Haha, suckers - my sheets are already yellow.

For the pessimists this is a simple feat to accomplish. It doesn't really change things for them, they just now have confirmation of their suspicions that the world sucks, and can't get too much more depressed than they already are. Realists take it in stride, as they already knew as much so they've had time to deal with it before the rest of us. Surprisingly the optimists many times take it the hardest, and often join the ranks of the pessimists - as much of their ability to fly rode on the bubble that just burst.

Isn't that a weird picture? I forgot why it was relevant now...

I would say that I probably fall into the Realist category, as I just see a glass and don't really care if it's half empty or half full as long as there's still something left in it for me to drink. (Ok so I'm a selfish realist...no one's perfect)

But what do you do after reality hits? Your golden dreams and plans are suddenly quite a bit harder than you had originally anticipated. The yellow brick road is suddenly piled with monkey feces and you don't remember that part from the book. (Flying monkeys have a great deal more bowel movements than pigeons)

My photoshopping resume just hit a low-point.

Well, you have three options:

Option 1 - Stop there, and find solace in the fact that you are on the yellow brick road, (even though you are no longer moving on it). Yellow is really a nice color, let's stare at it awhile.

Option 2 - Try to find a way around it. Sure that sign says 'Evil Talking Trees' followed by 'Witch's Castle' but I'm sure I can find a short cut. And I'll have the trees to have nice conversations with along the way.

Option 3 - Jump into the monkey shit. Anything can be swam through - just ask Andy Dufresne.

Get busy livin, or get busy dyin.

If you chose option 3, Congratulations - you're not stupid and you have a wonderful musky aroma you should remember to wash off once you reach the Emerald City. If you chose option 1 or 2 - enjoy working for Option 3'ers.

Yes you will have to go through obstacles to get to your dream. If it was easy everyone would have done it and it wouldn't be something worth dreaming about. And yes - It sucks. It sucks real bad. You can't see what's ahead, you're trying not to breath in and you promise God never to look down upon a hobo who smells funny again if he can please send Moses down to perform a Brown Sea encore. But you know it must be done.

Look what you did now, you damn dirty apes...

Just ask any man who's ever made anything of himself, and he will tell you that Armani suits feel just as good stained brown and that a dry-cleaning bill is much more rewarding than a welfare check. If you ever plan on getting ahead in life, plan on smelling like crap for awhile - but remember that it's only for a season. This too, shall pass.

End of Musing No. 11

Musing No. 10 – The Beast Can Make Or Break You.

So on goes my quest to help out all the little guys out there who want to make great music but don’t have the promotional bucks of Nickelback. (Speaking of Nickelback – is it just me, or do all their songs sound oddly the same? Maybe I don’t get it….yeah they have great words and all in their new songs, but do you think they could spring for a few different chords? Sorry – back to the topic).

But Damn, They look cool with their guitars.

I would like to emphasize the power of loyalty. This is very similar to what we in the business world refer to as the power of the local market. It’s very simple – if the audience feels a connection to you because of your sharing of the same location, then they will be loyal to you to the end. For instance, we here in Grand Rapids, love our ‘Red Hot Chili Peppers’ – being as they are a native Grand Rapid band. Red Hot Chili Peppers returns that loyalty by letting it be known that Grand Rapids is where their roots are, and then they throw us a bone with ‘Especially In Michigan’ a track that get’s frequent play in these parts. It’s a very basic concept, but one you had best learn – your home base will always be your strongest.

What? You mean people outside of Grand Rapids don't wear helmets all the time?

Now when you are smaller band – the rivalry will be between cities. When I lived in New York, the Capital Region (Albany) bands got much more love than the (sometimes better) bands from Poughkeepsie or Syracuse. Why - because they were from your scene. And they let it be known where they were from every show. Their crowds would follow them to all over the state to hear them play the same damn songs, lol, because they were one of them.

The Beast Looks Hungry....

Just remember wherever you go – keep your home base in mind. Create a street team, where they can help you out with promotions, and you can give them free shit. Give away freebies at the home shows - letting the crowd know that you don’t do this for anyone else. That makes it even more powerful – because it combines the power of loyalty with the power of free stuff – two marketing dynamos, especially when it comes to the music industry.

Now in contradiction – if you don’t acknowledge your home base any differently than you do any other crowd – if you don’t remember ‘the little guy’ when you go big….or bigger anyways – then they will make you bleed. They will tear you apart.

Remember this from Oz? This is you if you forget your home base....Not cool.

Always remember where you came from as a musician, always remember the hometown – because they are ultimately your foundation, and will almost always be your biggest fans and biggest promoters.

End of Musing No. 10

Musing No. 9 - Musician Magic

So I will deviate from my usual amusing posts to discuss a musician matter....just this once, lol (who am I kidding, I always deviate from the norm, lol):

You don't need the big processing units or big editing units to create beautiful musical art. As a matter of fact, the big musicians envy you. Yes that's right, they envy you.

"Why is that" you may say? Well the reason is, because you still have the 'Wow Factor.' With your little First Act guitar and crappy peavy amp, you have the ability to amaze people with your ingenuitive creative ability. True art is created with little and made into big. You see that little amp and crappy guitar you have by your side? That is all you need by way of tools to create the music the world needs to hear.

When you are small, you need to 'Wow' the world with your creative genius. Art is not something that is created with millions of dollars - art is something that is taking something and making it nothing. And you can do that. You can take that small Line 6, Peavey, or Marshall amp - you can take that small Dillion, Epiphone or First Act guitar create something that the world has never seen. You have to stop waiting for the world to hand you the big weapons that the music industry has at it's ever-waiting disposal, and know that the 'Wow Factor' is in the ability to make something amazing from your small stack/amp/crappy PC abilities.

The true artists can take a crappy doormat and make a picaso piece. The true artists can take a Target purchased guitar and make a form of music that the world has never seen. Sure, you will get picked up by a Major industrial label when you make that music, but the point is that you can MAKE IT when you have nothing. YOU can make musical art with nothing but your raw creative talent at your disposal.

I believe the industry has gotten into a funk. A funk that means the same old' same old. That is where you come in. You - the creative musical genius, who has nothing but his hopes his dreams and creativity, and his desire to make the world better.
The point that I would really like to Pound home is that you don't need the big fancy tools of the music industry to make the best music anyone has ever heard. All you need is a guitar and a microphone. Or heck, all you need is a tape recorder. Something to record you creating the best art the world has ever seen.

You need to be brave. You need to be daring. You need to dare to be ridiculed. Look back through history - the greatest creators of all time were ridiculed, they were torn down - all because their creations were different. But you know what? Different is the best. Different is the blood that the industry lives by. Different is what takes you on a multi-million dollar tour of America, Germany, and Ireland. DIfferent is what makes you the artist to define our generation.

I would advise you - over everything - to be different than the rest. As a musical artist, I can definitely tell you that different will get you somewhere in this world. Different will take you where you want to go. Different will make you the defining artist of our time. And I will personally sign you, on my label - Mannstein Records. (Shameless Plug, I'm sorry, I'm a marketer as well as a musician) I encourage all inspiring musicians and musical geniuses to follow your path of different. Because different will get your noticed. It may not make you the next Nickelback....but let's face it...there are loftier goals, lol. Every label is looking for the next big thing - and you might be just that.

Don't be afraid to be different. You might be the next big thing.

End of Musing No 9
http://www.myspace.com/joelyoley

Smart Idea #485 - We're Really On A Roll Here....

Musing No. 8 - It May Become An Epidemic

I've been reminded lately of who I am.

What exactly do I mean?

You have to know who you are. And you have to know it, not base it on anything else. You can't base it on people that you think are your friends. You can't base it on popular opinion. It's not a puffed-up pride, that you think you are always right about everything. But you are the only one who can truly be right about who you are.

If you don't know who you are, your perception of your self image will change with every blowing of the wind. If you don't know who you are - friends, surroundings, hard times - anything and everything will change who you are. I am sad to say, I have a few friends that this describes perfectly. They change every time they feel bad, they change every time they hang around one friend for any particular amount of time, they change every time they have turmoil in their life. They are just a leaf, blown by the wind.

Now, I am a religion-hating God lover, and I say this because by definition I am a christian, but I share very little traits with most christians I know - so I like to avoid the label. Most Christian's self image is very loose, as it is usually based off of a moral code presented by a minister. The problem with this scenario is that, instead of God being a foundation in their life and self-worth, that minister becomes the mirror holder. And when that minister says something that is not of God, well they have already given that minister their mirror - not God, so they follow where the minister takes the mirror, in whichever way they choose to twist or distort it. At this point - the minister is setting their self-worth, and has complete control of them.

I'm gonna eat you.

Don't get me wrong, this is done with more than just minsters. Many people's sheeplike following of the Obama movement is incredibly similar. Or people's following of rockstars, movie stars - you name it. When you base yourself on what someone else says, you no longer exist - you have become a mannequin.

Self worth is a big problem in today's world. And it affects all walks of life. From the severe breakdowns in the public limelight - like those of Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan - to the big business man who gets hurt every time someone attacks him for making the money he earned at his job - to the everyday man who so desperately wants people to like him - to the girl who buys magazines of what she is told are beautiful women, and develops eating disorders or cutting herself to cope. If you don't have your own self-worth, you will be miserable.

Now to many, this sounds prideful. "Your ego is so huge, that you don't care what anyone says about you. You don't even care when others try to correct you." This has been said to me. And you know what? Aside from the ego part, that's partly true. I am who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, I accept who I am, and I know very well that I have flaws. But I also know that the moment I let someone else's opinion shape me, that is the moment I have lost myself. That is the moment I cease to be relevant to anyone.

Yay! Now I'm teachable!

There is a difference between being teachable, and being a ball of mush. I don't claim to know everything about anything. I know that there is plenty that I don't know. But one thing I do know - I know who I am. You can teach me a million things about a million things - but I promise you, you don't know more about me than I do.

My opinions, however mean or evil some people may think they are, are at the end of the day - actually MY opinions. They did not spout from some newspaper, tv show or comedian. They did not spur from what someone else told me I should think, they are what I formed myself. Your own opinions are worth more than a thousand repeater's opinions. Your actual opinions, what your thinking mind came up with yourself, are more valuable than every robot's opinions in the world.

Hey!

People are so tied up in wanting to be liked, that they lose who they are. They taylor their opinions to their audience. They craft their words to please people. And they are faker than Milli Vannelli's 'live' performances. And because of this - their opinions are worthless.

If you are fake or people pleasing - I do not respect you one iota. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Fake answers in the hope of 'peace' will get you nowhere with me. I would much more appreciate a severely opposing viewpoint - but one that you actually hold and came to yourself, than a fake all-out agreement.

I would like to encourage all the rebels out there that dare to have their own thought every once in awhile - that you are heading in the right direction. You need to figure out who you are, for yourself, and I promise you, your life will be so much happier than anything you have ever felt before.

I've been reminded lately of who I am. It may become an epidemic.

End of Musing No. 8

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Musing No. 7 - This Year I Promise

Yes yes, it's that time again, that time when the old year ends and and the new year doesn't. It's the time when people realize that they didn't do anything they said they would do the last 5 New Years, and they are sure this is the year they are going to do it.

Captain Insano vowed to Show No Mercy...but showed mercy anyway.

Well...actually it's past that time of year. I read that most people forget their resolutions for the new year by about the end of the second week of the year, so I figured I would not make a resolution until around that time - thus outlasting all the slackers out there. This also achieves the goal of being a trend-setter, as I am now probably the only person talking about resolutions, and I have waited long enough that I am not 'still' talking about it, I am now talking about it 'again' - which I think we would all agree is much different.

BEGIN

This Year I Promise to become a professional wrestler, but so as to avoid the ho-hum of *yawn* regular wrestling, I will only be wrestling little old ladies & midgets and/or dwarfs. I am painfully aware that many midgets and dwarfs are surprisingly strong, but I believe this would provide the highest comedic value while still somewhat solidifying me as a badass. So if your grandma is bored, or if the guy who played the little dude in the R2-D2 outfit is still alive - tell them to call me - I've got an ass-whooping waiting for them.

And you were thinking "How could I possibly improve upon the A-Team?"

*Edit - After watching a hilarious youtube video, I think it would be hilarious if the midgets and/or dwarfs were wearing no pants while we wrestled.*

*Edit2 - After thinking about it, that sounds superhero gay. Scratch that idea - keep your pants on, little people.*

*Edit3 - And don't you get any ideas either - little old ladies. You keep all the clothes on, and put on more still. That loose, dangly, wrinkly skin is an unfair advantage when wrestling, as it is proven to be a choking hazard.*

This Year I Promise to try to get a Hoveround chair, because they look so damn cool - and good news - if my medicare doesn't cover it they will! Since I don't have medicare, I'm pretty sure my non-existent medicare won't cover it - so I'm golden! What? You doubt how cool that would be? You ever go into the grocery store and drive around in one of those old-folks chairs until security stops you and kicks you out of the store? Wasn't that awesome?! Now, imagine that you could do that - only everywhere, and all the time! Yeah, that kind of awesomeness can only be found with a Hoveround!

For more proof of how badass this would be, check the vid.

This Year I Promise to send in pictures of myself to TMZ until they put me on their show. This is the new badge of honor, and a true sign that you have made it. I am prepared to show my breasts.

Who is this guy, and why do I suddenly care about his cold-sore?

This Year I Promise to buy a bridge in New York City. I found a guy who says he can get me a great deal on one, near Brooklyn apparently. I've been told it's impossible to do, but that just gives me more motivation to prove them wrong. Whenever anyone tells you something can't be done - you kill yourself trying to accomplish it. I mean, look, people told Keanu Reeves that he would never be able to act with emotion - well, he showed them wrong! People told the president that he couldn't fix the economy, and he showed them wrong! People told Ellen Degeneres that she was funny, and she showed them wrong! How many bridges are near brooklyn....

The new Anti-Suspension Bridge.

This Year I Promise to run a marathon while wearing Heelys. To pre-empt the emails I will undoubtedly get that this is 'super easy', I will take 6 tylenol pm right before I run/heel this marathon and see if I can make it to the end. I am also prepared to show my breasts here.

An Epic Fail isn't really a Fail at all. :-)

And To End It....

This Year I Promise to demand the timeslot of whatever job Conan O'Brien lands at next. To kick him in the balls even further, I will promise him the job and give it to him, then demand it back. Hehehe. I feel this would be hilariously funny, and while many of you love Conan, I have no doubt you are still tickled at how funny, yet tragic this would be - and the tragicness would only really add to the funny. So help me, I will take Coco's shift at K-Mart if that's where he ends up, and the whole while, his self-deprecating humor will create good times had by all!

*Sigh* "Fine, kick me in balls...What else can you do to me?"

Happy New Year Everyone!

End of Musing No. 7

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